I’m the one on the far left – I wear a lot of black. And while my hair is brown now, who knows – if I don’t sleep long enough, maybe my hair will turn white?
Insomnia begets itself. This was my sixth night. I’m running out of patience…or maybe that was three days ago and I’m just too tired to be angry anymore.
At least if I couldn’t sleep, but I could get work done and be effective, I could see a small positive to this aggravating problem. Or maybe if I didn’t have a mental illness that made it really important to get sleep, it’d be okay. I mean, there are people that have full lives on 4 hours of sleep. I used to idolize them. Now I just hate them with a deep, dark, irrational jealousy.
But the real bitch of it all is that insomnia’s such a bully. Here’s just a sampling of a few of her dick moves in my battles with sleep. Note: I never seem to get a word in edgewise:
Insomnia: “Oh, you want to sleep? Did you just close your eyes? How cute, with your little mask. I should totally Instagram this. But wait – you’re not forgetting your schedule tomorrow, are you? You think you’re going to be able to get to the gym? Are you going to fuck something up? Oooh, what if you wake up depressed? Or sad? Or fatter than now? But seriously, you don’t want to be tired or you’ll really fuck it up even more than you were most likely going to. Wait, did I interrupt you?”
Insomnia:”How adorable is this. You are trying mindfulness exercises? How’s that ‘breathing’ working out for you? Are you sure your toes are really relaxed? You know, you should really do this better – this whole relaxing, meditative shit. ‘Cuz you suck at it. Maybe you should meditate on that for a bit.”
Insomnia: “You think you’re drifting off thanks to the meds? Well don’t forget you’re sleeping alone, running out of money, still not in shape, and your kitchen is a mess. But seriously, think of ocean waves – that should help with your failing life. Quick! In about half an hour, that sleepy feeling is going to wear off and if you’re not asleep by then…well then you just wasted a very expensive Xanax, you pill-popping loser.”
Insomnia: “Did you fall asleep?! Well I’m going to have you continue your conversation in the dream out loud until you realize you are speaking to yourself in your room and wake yourself up. (And then continue the conversation until you finish your sentence because you clearly were passionate about the argument you were making.) Maybe I’ll even have you physically get out of bed in the middle of your dream, half-awake, and then once you’re up, have you forget what you needed or why.” (snickers…)
Insomnia: “Okay, you got to sleep. Kudos. Let’s see here…yup. Here’s a dream where everyone is yelling at you for something you didn’t do and for some reason no one is listening. And you can’t apologize, and you can’t fix anything, and you still don’t get why everyone is mad. Are you catching the theme that you suck and no one likes you? Okay, just checking. Enjoy.”
Insomnia: “You think you are dreaming, don’t you? Then why did you just make him come back to talk to you? Are you actually trying to ‘replay’ that ‘scene’ again? You know you are totally awake and directing this dream, backseat driver. There’s no REM in that but enjoy what we here in the sleep world call ‘daydreaming.’ Oh, and even though you are directing the dream, he’s still not going to come back and tell you he likes you. Sorry if I ruined the ending – but was it really a surprise? Yeah, that’s called throwing shade.”
Insomnia: “You think you’re asleep? Oops! Well, it looks like you have to go pee. Careful not to wake up. But hey, while you’re peeing, don’t forget this list of things you might fuck up. Ahem, number one…”
Insomnia: “Oh shit! Wake up! Wake up! Are you up?! Syke – I totally got you! It’s only 4am and now you are wide awake. Muhaha, bitch.”
Insomnia: “Girl, you really should get to sleep. It’s really not a big deal. You know you want to. I know you love sleep, and hey, from what I hear, sleep loves you. After all, aren’t you about to take on a shitload of responsibility when you go to London? You better be awake for that. It would be so sad to see you squander all your money just because you need your ZZZZ’s.
Insomnia: “Oh and P.S. You look worse than shit. There is no concealer that can fix that mess. Maybe you should become an extra – I mean, zombies are really ‘in’ right now and you would really help cut costs – no makeup needed! I’m just trying to be helpful.”
See, she’s a total bully. But damn, she’s good.