New Year’s Resolutions: The Best Gift Your Depression Could Ask For

While I appreciate articles like this, where an author sets lofty, idealistic resolutions for the coming year, and even agree with most of the points she makes in terms of her resolutions, unlike the author, I detest/abhor/fucking hate resolutions. It’s like a big, gift-wrapped present for depression and self-hate.

First, you’re supposed to look back on the year. Ah, yes. I suppose there are some that look back on all the great things: “I got engaged!” “I lost weight!” “I got a promotion!” Though they would never actually bring those things up during New Year’s because being proud in front of others is often viewed at rubbing it in and pointing out the others’ inadequacies if they have not succeeded in those areas. (Unless you’re posting on Facebook, a depressive’s tornado of self-hate where everyone seems to be having THE BEST TIME EVER. ALL THE TIME.) But the truth is, most people, especially those with depression, look back on all of their failures: “I didn’t do the things I am supposed to do.” “I’m not the person I want to be.” “My life is imperfect.” “X and Y and Z happened and they were horrible thus, I suck.” And it becomes punishment – “reflecting” on everything you didn’t accomplish this past year.

I suppose the intention is meant to be inspiring. Take your “failures” and turn them into effective goals for the next year! This is the year you will finally be perfect! This is the year where you will be “happy” and fix all the areas of your life you and society have deemed inadequate. And these goals are so outlandish and often vague – it’s just so American. The foundation of our society is built on these incredibly grandiose ideas of a world we can never truly achieve. Perhaps this is done purposefully, to make sure we keep going and moving forward. But as a depressive, all I ever see when I look at the Constitution (besides an outdated document that doesn’t reflect our current society,) is “Look at how fucking pathetic life is. So much hate, inequality, oppression. We are really disappointing.” (And yes, this year truly does reflect these thoughts, even without the Constitution involved.) Same with resolutions. You can’t resolve to “lose weight,””be happy in your sex life,” or “be the change you want to see in the world.” After all, what would that look like? How much weight is enough? What does happiness in a sex life look like? What does this change look like? And are these supposed to be permanent changes or just for the year? How do we know if we accomplished them or not?

If fighting depression taught me anything, it is that life is a process and a journey. There is no goal line. There is no “right” way to be. There is no absolute “happiness” that you can obtain. Life is moments of bliss and joy; achievements and progress; failure and sadness. It is about trying to find an acceptance with whatever your world may be.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t have goals. I have a sheet for DBT I fill out every day that has a list of the negative things I do that I do not want to do anymore. Examples include: allowing others to control my emotions, avoiding social situations, catastrophizing. Every day, I write down my urge to do it, and then if I did or not, and what skills I may have used to help myself choose to do the positive thing for myself.

And while I hope every day I can fight my urges and overcome bad habits, it’s a daily log. And some days, I don’t. And I’m not trying to get a perfect log, I’m just trying to notice the days when I don’t and see what happened that day, think about what I might have been able to do, and accept that I didn’t but maybe the next day I can, or maybe I need to try something different to help myself not do it. I don’t get points for not catastrophizing, (though my therapist does seem happy.) I’m not trying to “win,” and there is no finish line. (Well, I guess until I die or get so depressed again, rip the sheet up, call it a piece of delusional shit, and get back to catastrophizing.)

Living life with this simplicity – the goal isn’t to “be thin enough” or “have a boyfriend” but more like “self-care” and “interpersonal relationships.” And yes, I obviously have intangible, unrealistic goal narratives in my head. Because I do want to find this “happiness” I know doesn’t exist. And not just because it’s been ingrained explicitly and implicitly through every facet of my life, but because my depression branded it on my brain from a very early age to make sure I would hate myself even more than I did the year before. If that’s not a depressive narrative, I don’t know what is, but that shit is hard to shake.

So I just think we need to be cautious when we look forward. I’m not saying we should all give up – on ourselves, our country, our world. I’m just saying that maybe our goals should be about just trying to live life to the best of our ability, a day at a time. To look within ourselves and see if we can use the year to work on things. Not to fix them. I do want a better world and I want to play a role in changing it – but there isn’t a measure of success in how I do it. (Did I seriously just write that? I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.)

So I don’t want to set resolutions at all. It’s too much pressure on things I don’t have enough control over. Given where I have been, being able to want that in and of itself is huge and continues to be a fuckload of work. So I suppose I do have one resolution, which is, to not have any resolutions – just live my life to the best of my abilities, whatever that may look like or be.

(It should be noted I will most likely reject this entire post should my medication stop working.)

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An (attempted) Day Without Judgement?

Ok, so I’m oddly angry. Anger is a weird emotion for me. Usually, it turns to sadness quickly. I think I’m afraid of anger – both because of how much I saw it as a child, and also because I don’t want to make someone else angry (also probably because of what I saw as a child).

In the past, my anger was directed at myself. And I suppose I’m frustrated with myself. I am getting things done. I am not lying in bed crying or self-harming, or stuffing my face with pancakes. But I’m frustrated at myself. And it bothers me that all I can see are the things I’m not doing – wanting to punish myself with anger because there are other things I “should” be doing. DBT tells you to take “shoulds” out of your life, i.e. not be judgmental. This is intended not only for others like: “He should have taken out the trash” but also to yourself :”I should be stronger than this.”

One skill is to practice being non-judgmental. It means stepping back and observing a situation as it is, without thoughts or emotions. So instead of “I’m at the computer again because I’m terrified of failing at the things I have to do outside of it” you merely note “I am sitting in a chair, typing on a computer. There is traffic and sounds of cars driving on wet, rainy streets The blinds are closed.” You get the idea. You take the judgement out of the situation and in doing so, take the emotion you are feeling out.

It sounds so fucking simple, but it’s really hard. Most DBT skills are like that. You read them and you think “duh” but you realize when you try to do them, especially if your emotions are not regulated or you are in distress, it’s a lot harder than it looks.

I have options about what today looks like. I have options about what I am going to let ruminate in my big black cauldron of a mind. I also can choose to be okay with whatever the day turns out to be. I can allow myself to live the day without judging what I “should” be doing. Let’s see what happens.