I’m Tired.

I’m tired today.

  • I’m tired of trying so hard to keep it together every day.
  • I’m tired of following a sleep regimen and still waking up fatigued.
  • I’m tired of trying to do everything “right” – going to the gym, losing weight, calling friends, not drinking, being vegan and not eating anything processed, and still not feeling good or having extra energ.
  • I’m tired of not being able to have more than a day or two of stability and balance.
  • I’m tired of having to make decisions.
  • I’m tired of not having a purpose that isn’t about myself. While I don’t miss working crazy long hours, I miss having a job where I am spending time thinking about others and doing work for them.
  • I’m so tired of seeing all of the hate and ignorance in the world today. Of watching history repeat itself.  Of knowing it will never stop and will only get worse. And not knowing what to do. Because $15 isn’t enough. Volunteering isn’t enough. There isn’t a job that will be enough. And people don’t really want to listen, to learn, to compromise, to change. I don’t want to stand aside – but I feel so useless.
  • I’m tired of not liking myself.
  • I’m tired of trying to understand why I do not like myself.
  • I’m tired of being told to have hope, to think positive, to just keep trying.
  • I’m tired of not being able to help the people I love. To watch them in stress, in pain, in sadness. Shitty stuff happens, but I wish I could just alleviate some of it.
  • I’m tired of the constant shame I feel about who I am.
  • I’m tired of the guilt I allow myself to carry.
  • I’m tired of not knowing what to do next.
  • I’m tired of not knowing the “right” thing for “me.”
  • I’m tired of caring so much, about everything. Of feeling so much.
  • I’m tired of trying so hard to just keep it together for everyone: my family, my friends, my therapist and psychiatrist. I’m just tired of feeling responsible for adding stress or pain to their lives because of my stress and pain. Of trying to make them happy or relieved.
  • I’m tired of all the dichotomies in my life. Of wanting to be alone but feeling so alone. For wanting to be happy but feeling like it’s a charade anyway. For wanting love but not the strings that come with it.
  • I’m tired of being so scared to do things. I don’t know when I became this way but I’m so fucking tired of it.
  • I’m tired of feeling like I have lost so much time in my life, so many chances, so many opportunities, and still wanting sometimes to just end it all because I’m just too tired to try to catch up.
  • I’m tired of my fucking side effects.
  • I’m tired of trying to imagine what it feels like to wake up without a mental illness. To have shitty days and stress and life, but not have to take drugs that make me feel like shit to just survive them, while others take none and are able to function just fine. To go to bed without fear that tomorrow I might not be able to get out of bed. Or wake up without knowing if I will be able to make it through the day.
  • I’m tired of feeling so guilty that I want more. That this is unfair. That I don’t deserve this. And then feeling guilty for thinking that. It just cycles over and over again.
  • I’m tired of having to change. To constantly fight myself, to unburden others, to hold back my anger, my frustration, my words to not hurt others. To get up every day and try to want things, work for things, be effective, have goals, work to get better at who I am. To push down the bad thoughts, the urges, the desires, to assuage others.
  • I’m tired of never knowing who to blame: is it the meds? the disease? my circumstances? me?
  • I’m tired of only seeing the mistakes I make. The failures. The not good-enoughs.
  • I’m tired of having hope. It’s almost more exhausting than just admitting defeat.
  • I’m tired of thinking.

I’m just tired.

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5 thoughts on “I’m Tired.

  1. While I don’t understand everything, I understand the feeling of being tired. Depression does that to you, I bet your meds/disease don’t help. All I can say to you is to turn your life into what you want it to be. Don’t get offended, but I will be praying for you. I really hope you feel better, and I want to support you as a friend. I’m not gonna try to give you cliche advice. Support from the sidelines. :)

  2. I know exactly how you feel. It’s impossible to understand unless you are “tired” too. I get tired of people telling me to “just get over it”…to “start over”….to “find the joy in living.” Just so tired.

  3. Sounds silly and simplistic, but try living in the moment. No past, no future, just the present. Use curiosity to propel you forward, from one difficult moment to the next. Take notice when you enjoy things and savor it. Make a mental note to remember the feeling, then savor it again later.

    When I eat something I really enjoy, I make sure to say to myself, good stuff. Yummy. Loved it. Will have it again soon. Reinforce the good stuff, and try to let go of the things you can’t control. Control is an illusion, and not just for those who suffer from chronic health conditions. Mother Nature will never allow humans to gain control.

    You don’t have to like everything about yourself. That would be… egotistical. But there is no shame in being human and having faults, whether those faults are due to DNA or not. Perhaps you need to make a list of the things you like about yourself. I’ll start by saying I like your honesty. Honesty takes guts. And I admire courageous people. :)

    • thx. i think this is something i might be able to read in a week or so and take in. right now i understand it, i agree with you, but i’m not there yet to let it in. does that make sense? still, i appreciate your thoughtfulness. thanks.

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