I’m not falling off tonight. Not because I don’t want to. Because I can’t.

No, I refuse.

I’m not ready yet and I don’t deserve it.

It’s got to be circumstantial. I mean, a lot has gone on, good and bad, and there’s a lot of pressure all around me. Maybe I’m just a little tipped off because of it all.

I keep thinking as long as I can get through my necessary responsibilities, I can do nothing for the rest of the day, push everything off another day, and eventually one day I’m going to wake up and I’m not going to feel like this. My strength will come back to me.

I really don’t want to increase my dosage. See, I have a medication that is finally working and I’ve had to increase it once, and it worked. But there’s only so high you can go, only so many times you can increase a medication, and I don’t want to do it unless it’s absolutely necessary. I don’t want to run out of options. But I won’t really know if it’s absolutely necessary until it’s really too late and I don’t want to deconstruct too far before I get help.

It’s hard to know when you need to ask for help. When you don’t want it to be a passing thing. Or just a weak disposition. Or you are just being dramatic. Or…

But you don’t want to NOT ask for help because what if it is? And what if it can get worse? How frustrating that you can’t really know because it’s not something you can evaluate like whether you have a sprain or a break; a cold or just allergies?

I’m scared to get ready for bed, or do anything that prepares me for it. I don’t want to lie down and have my brain go into overdrive. Tonight is not the night to beat myself up for taking a xanax for three days straight on top of my other meds to fall asleep. Tonight is not the night to beat myself up for just bingeing and now feeling so sick. To analyze all the implications, to analyze anything really because I can’t get to that place.

I need to zone out. Stay enclosed. Safe. My mind unable to concentrate so it can’t try to analyze what might be happening. Tomorrow will be here and I can figure it out then. I just need more time away from myself, I can’t fall overboard. I can’t do it again. I can do this, because I can’t do anything else.

I can’t believe it’s only midnight.

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “I’m not falling off tonight. Not because I don’t want to. Because I can’t.

  1. It’s good to think through things and writing helps. I hope you find acceptance that there are times you need something to get some sleep so that you can continue fighting. Who can fight when exhausted?

Questions? Comments? Deep Thoughts?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s